I lost my temper yesterday. Despite all my efforts to “become a better person” over the last many years. I made a mistake. I was justified or so I thought. The person I spoke to rudely had her dog in the grocery cart. She was the second person I saw while I was in the store who was doing this. We are in California, after all. I blurted out, “Even if that is a service dog it has no place in a grocery cart!” She and her friend just looked at me blankly and said, “You have a nice day…”.
I felt terrible afterwards. A message that might have been communicated to the manager escalated into a mini-tirade. Really, who am I to judge? Where do I get off as an enforcer of the rules? How can I call myself a person who helps others if I cannot be civil in my communication?
When something like this happens I attempt to see what my responsibility is in the situation. What it comes down to is control, isn’t it really? We all want the world to be like us, to live by the same rules and conventions. Yet, if this were to happen we would all be bored and boring. The differences in people, cultures and countries are what makes us want to engage with the world.
So this is my lesson. Handle it differently next time. I have certain assets and liabilities. I speak out for those who can’t speak out for themselves. This is good. But I also take on causes that are really none of my business. Like dogs in grocery carts………
How is your life going? Do you keep running into the same problems over and over again? Would you like to:
not second guess yourself so much
be good enough as you are without comparing yourself to someone else
stop taking things so personally
be able to handle situations that are difficult without thinking the worst will happen
refrain from blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong
stop feeling that you have to do things perfectly
Do you see a way out?
Getting help or helping yourself
For many years now I have subscribed to a way of dealing with problems. It is called cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). It is very simple and elegant in how it can provide you with insight into how you think and how this interacts with feelings and behaviors. CBT is problem-focused and action oriented. It can be done with the help of a therapist and there are also many excellent workbooks and interactive computer programs that people can use on their own. What I find to be really great about CBT is that it provides you with a framework that ultimately teaches you to be your own therapist. Basically it helps you to become critical of your own negative thinking and to think more realistically and constructively. It also helps you to figure out which behaviors are serving you well and which are not. It has been found to be effective in treating almost every mental health issue from depression to addiction use disorders to schizophrenia.
Albert Ellis and Aaron Beck are considered to be the fathers of cognitive behavioral models of treatment. They came up with their models independently. Albert Ellis’ model is referred to as Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy while Aaron Beck’s model is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy . In these blog posts I will concentrate on Aaron Beck’s model since this is the model I was trained in and use. It explains how thinking affects mood and behavior and how this cycles back again to affect thinking. We learn to challenge our negative thinking and, through practice, become able to trace our negative thoughts back to our basic beliefs about ourselves, the world and the future. We can also challenge negative beliefs by addressing the behavioral part of the problem. For example, if we believe we are too anxious to attend social events we might test this out by arranging to meet a friend at a party. We essentially set up an experiment to prove ourselves wrong and gradually this belief begins to change.
Where do you start?
Once the basic model is understood you can start to work on your thinking and behavior in order to improve how you feel. You can learn more about this process at the following websites which I highly recommend: