Being and nothingness: Owning life


There is a school of thought in psychology called Existential Psychology. Many of the concepts originated with the writings of Nietzsche and other existential philosophers. More recently, Irving Yalom, among others, has developed the concepts into a way to work with clients. He has written several books which are essential to many in the field, especially his books on group therapy and his foundational book, Existential Psychotherapy.

The appeal of this approach to both clients and practitioners can be found in how it humanizes the therapeutic relationship and empowers the client to change. It also fits in well with the cognitive behavioral approach in that both models have an emphasis on working collaboratively with the client in the therapeutic endeavor.

This approach emphasizes:


Essentially, we have the freedom to make the choice to be the author of our life if we take responsibility for our own well-being and happiness.

Many people get stuck in the same loop over and over again wondering how they can get rid of their old behaviors. They may have had a difficult childhood, a problematic romantic relationship or a history of substance use problems. When you can’t get out of a pattern you feel trapped and powerless.

But the key to changing things lies with you. The person, circumstance or thing that you are struggling with has had an effect on you in the past whether it be yesterday, a week ago or 20 years ago. The happiness you may have today and in the future depends on how you face this challenge in the present moment.

If you want to change something it is important to take responsibility for your part in perpetuating the problem. Only you determine who you are and how you react to life’s vicissitudes. All day every day you are making choices even if you are laboring under difficult circumstances. There is always some freedom within these circumstances to make different choices. This is how we change, little by little.

Ultimately, we come into the world alone. We create our identities as we move through life. We find meaning through our relationships and our place in the world; this is the impact we have. It is important to always remember that we only have a finite amount of time to make it happen. Let’s not miss the opportunity to make this life our own.

Day of the Dead: Lessons learned

Day of the Dead, Petaluma, Ca.
Day of the Dead, Petaluma, Ca. 2014

When I was nine years old my grandmother died. This, in and of itself, would have been distressing enough since she and I were very close. To complicate matters, I nearly died with her.

I was staying at my grandmother’s house for the weekend when I gradually noticed that I had a headache. When I went out to the store on an errand I discovered that my headache disappeared only to return when I got back. I remember that my grandmother wasn’t feeling well either and had mentioned that her blood pressure was high that day. Thinking that I was simply ill, I assumed that if I were to go to sleep that night my headache would be gone by morning. That was not the case, however, and I woke to find my headache was much worse.

Alarmed, I expressed distress to my grandmother, who good-naturedly dismissed my conviction that “something is wrong in this house”. She allowed me to call my mother repeatedly. I pleaded with her to do something or to take me home, letting her know that I was worried about the situation at my grandmother’s house. Finally, in exasperation, my mother brought me home that day.

Later that night my grandmother died from carbon monoxide poisoning; the furnace had not been properly vented. She died in her sleep while my uncle, to whom I was also very close, came very near to death himself.

How do you grieve when you are so young? Her death had a profound effect on me. Not only did I feel loss and guilt (guilt over the fact that I had escaped her fate) but also was confronted with the fear of my own possible death. I did the best I could; it helped that I was young, had limited understanding and could be distracted by school and playmates.

I have thought about her often over the years. She remains a powerful figure in my life; she gave me unconditional love when I most needed it and her death taught me to trust my instincts even when others don’t. There is a photo of her on my nightstand. I feel she does watch over me in some way.

At this time during Day of the Dead festivities, we remember those who have left us. Each death of someone close to us shows us something about ourselves; we grieve to restore the fullness of life, attempting to fill the vacancy they leave. But there is always something missing that cannot be replaced. I wouldn’t have it any other way.