Taking the fall and getting back up: Doing the work to age well


Aging is an ongoing experience of limitation if you sit back and let it be.

I’m sitting here waiting for a friend to get out of surgery. She is in her early 70’s, a vibrant human being who appears and acts much younger. But age has come to visit. She tripped over some wires and broke her hip. She is well aware that this can lead to permanent disability and a shortened life span. She feels totally unprepared. It’s truly scary.

She has just come out of surgery and has been wheeled to her room. What’s on her mind? Her regret about not taking care of business and missed opportunities for fulfillment. Luckily she has a good doctor who has advised her that, with rehab, she is likely to make a full recovery. She considers this a wake-up call to address a number of things in her life.

How do you remain optimistic when you see the walls of life closing in on you? Frailty, memory issues and the loss of family members and friends amplify the perceived diminishment of self.

But you can be happy and fulfilled as you get older. Let us count the ways…

  1. Give other people the benefit of your wisdom. There is something to be said for living a long time. You have been through a lot in life and have had many experiences that you have learned from. Mentor a younger person who can benefit from your advice and guidance.
  2. Come to terms with your relationships to your friends and family. If you have a good relationship with everyone, great, no problem. But if you have struggled in some relationships, attempt to open up the lines of communication and make amends if necessary. Let go of whether they own up to their part in things. You have no control over other people’s thoughts and actions. Be glad that you showed up and owned up.
  3. See your friends and family members regularly even if you have to schedule time with them on your calendar. Go to family functions and put up with your brother’s noisy kids and your hard-of-hearing aunt. Remember they are not around forever and you may be the odd uncle in the corner someday yourself. Make special time for those who bring out the best in you. You know who they are.
  4. Stay active. Use it or lose it. Get out and be physical however you can. Dance, go to the gym, walk, row, do yoga. Exercise can be fun if you find an activity that actually excites you. See this as an extension of going out to play as a kid. You didn’t need anything to motivate you then, did you? If you have a physical disability seek out a class that is tailored to your needs.
  5. Consider moving closer to those who will be there for you in a pinch. This may or may not be your family members; living near or with good friends may be a better choice for some people. Be there to celebrate the good times and support each other in the bad times.
  6. Take up a new mentally stimulating activity, something that excites you but you’ve been putting off doing for awhile. Learn to tango. Learn a new language. Take up playing an instrument. These activities have been shown to be more effective in maintaining cognitive functioning in older adults than crossword puzzles, sudoku or online brain training.
  7. Most importantly, cultivate a positive attitude. Spend time at the beginning and the end of the day being grateful. Write down what you are grateful for. Email it to yourself so that you can look at it throughout the day. Consider starting a meditation practice. Develop your own affirmations at the end of your practice. Read something that inspires you.

Aging well is about preparation, acting in ways that make us happy and preserving this happiness as long as possible. There’s work for us to do. Let’s get to it.

Open your home to open yourself

open your home to open yourself

I know of a couple who have it all it seems: a house in the Hollywood Hills, an infinity pool, financial security, an intelligent daughter, great careers. They are a model couple in many respects. One person stays home and attends to the home front, the other has a high-powered role in Hollywood.

Recently this couple opened their home to another couple who were relocating from the east coast. This is when the picture began to change. The cracks in the relationship became more apparent. The presence of guests laid bare the problems this family was having behind closed doors. It was soon after this that things began to unravel for the couple; the difficulties and problems became obvious. The outcome for their relationship is uncertain at this juncture but they can no longer deny that they have work to do.`

The question is: Can your private relationship stand the scrutiny of others in the daily context of living? I would dare to say that inviting others into your home is the ultimate test of a relationship. You lay yourself bare; appearances are very difficult to maintain. You actually might discover that you have work to do where you thought you had none.

We have isolated ourselves from others so that we don’t have to rub up against our rough edges. When we enter their world or they enter ours our routines are upset. We discover how we have limited ourselves.

Because of this, I am becoming a fan of less privacy in order to discover and know ourselves. Living in the insular world of the couple or family prevents us from being who we fully are.

I would suggest that we stay with our friends more and use hotels less…