Open your home to open yourself

open your home to open yourself

I know of a couple who have it all it seems: a house in the Hollywood Hills, an infinity pool, financial security, an intelligent daughter, great careers. They are a model couple in many respects. One person stays home and attends to the home front, the other has a high-powered role in Hollywood.

Recently this couple opened their home to another couple who were relocating from the east coast. This is when the picture began to change. The cracks in the relationship became more apparent. The presence of guests laid bare the problems this family was having behind closed doors. It was soon after this that things began to unravel for the couple; the difficulties and problems became obvious. The outcome for their relationship is uncertain at this juncture but they can no longer deny that they have work to do.`

The question is: Can your private relationship stand the scrutiny of others in the daily context of living? I would dare to say that inviting others into your home is the ultimate test of a relationship. You lay yourself bare; appearances are very difficult to maintain. You actually might discover that you have work to do where you thought you had none.

We have isolated ourselves from others so that we don’t have to rub up against our rough edges. When we enter their world or they enter ours our routines are upset. We discover how we have limited ourselves.

Because of this, I am becoming a fan of less privacy in order to discover and know ourselves. Living in the insular world of the couple or family prevents us from being who we fully are.

I would suggest that we stay with our friends more and use hotels less…

Aging and cultivating a sense of place: 5 ways to increase your sense of belonging


In many parts of the world people live and die within a radius of 5 miles. In others the name of the game is move after move as people change in their careers, interests and family commitments. As we age we often stop to assess many things, particularly how we feel about the place where we live. We may be more rooted to where we are or we may be yearning to reinvent ourselves somewhere else.

How do we know when we are in a place where we can thrive for the last third of our lives? It comes down to having a sense of place.

What is a sense of place?

People’s sense of place varies. We can describe a sense of place as being the underlying feeling of belonging and attachment we get when we are in a certain location. There is a sense of being valued and engaged. Factors that can contribute to our attachment to a place not only involve family and social relationships but also are related to culture, language, geography, climate, urban/suburban/rural setting, access to nature, the political persuasion of the populace, etc.

For instance, we may feel much different in a small rural village in India than we would in a large city in the US. How different cities or rural areas affect us can also vary widely with each individual. We live in a global village but culture and sensibility are extremely different from place to place.

I will use my own experiences as an example. I feel most at home in Sonoma county just north of San Francisco. I lived for many years in SF but, as I’ve gotten older, the city no longer fulfills the need I have for warmer weather, quiet and exposure to nature. When I was in the city I lived in a neighborhood where most people knew me- in the grocery store, the cafes, the restaurants, the night spots. I felt a sense of community there. As I aged my needs changed and I relocated to a place I felt comfortable in and had visited often.

The question remains: Do I have a sense of place now? Yes and no. It takes time to develop connections and to feel that you are part of a network. I’m still working on it. It’s not as easy now as it was when I was younger.

Why might this be?

In a general sense, as people age it becomes harder to make new friends. Friendships require cultivation. We become more set in our ways. We also have less opportunities for social activities outside of the family that bind people to one another such as school and work. We go out less to social functions. Our opportunities to create community become more limited.

How can we maintain or restore our sense of place?

We all change and evolve. This takes work but is more than worth it. I like to look to others I know who are actively striving to create a meaningful life in a place that they have an affinity for. Here are 5 ways that people I know and respect are creating their place in the world as they age:

1.) Rethink your notion of work. A friend of mine is staying put in his home and is retiring. He loves his home and the area in which he lives. He is reinventing himself in a new career that he had pursued in the past but didn’t have the time or energy to pursue while he was working. This will demand that he get out of his comfort zone and network with like-minded people.

2.) Renew old friendships. This same friend has also been instrumental in organizing an online social network of a group of his former co-workers who have not seen each other in 20 years. This has led to a reunion and will bring people from all over the country together again but, even more importantly, is already leading to renewed friendships among the people who remain in the same area.

3.) Be open to putting yourself to work in another part of the world. I have a friend who is an example of someone who has not let his age dictate his social or work sphere. He continues to take on new challenges and meet new people. He travels widely and recently spent time teaching in India.

4.) Be willing to uproot yourself to pursue an adventure. Another friend has sold everything and is about to travel in the US and Mexico in an RV with her husband and mother. She expects to visit her friends, make new ones and settle somewhere that speaks to her.

5.) Find satisfaction in doing something well in a place where you’ve always been. My Godmother provides a good example of this. She is now 86 and has lived and worked all her adult life as a clerk in a medical setting and as a telephone operator in a boys’ home. She finds a lot of satisfaction working in these jobs because her involvement with the patients and residents goes way beyond her job description. She looks forward to working and the clients look forward to seeing her every day.

Essentially, what I have learned from these and other friends, is that we can open ourselves to change, adventure and community wherever we choose to land. A sense of place can be where you are right now or where you end up going. It’s a journey that never ends until you do…