Social circle – Page 2 – GETTING BETTER: WHAT WORKS

Now that we’ve passed that time of year when we give our mothers’ credit for all they have done for us I think we need a day for all those women in the world who are not mothers. Who are they you might ask? Just look a little harder in your family and social circle and you will find them. They are your aunts, Godmothers, sisters and mentors. And, I would bet, they feel a little bit left out every year.

Why would any woman not be a mother? Well, really, there are two ways this can happen, by choice and by happenstance. Some women actually do not want to have children. They are satisfied with letting other people do it. You might think that this is a selfish choice but it really can be as unselfish as mothering. For others, circumstances did not provide for the opportunity. Many of these women either help mothers raise their children through a kinship network or go into a career in which they help others: social work, nursing, teaching. Or they may be a mentor to someone for a period of time during their emotional development or career path. Of course there is a lot of overlap in these roles.

What I’m getting at is the importance of acknowledging these other women in our lives who have contributed greatly to our well-being. Personally it took me years to get this myself. I celebrated many Mother’s Days before I realized that my Godmother had been there for me all of my life and had been a role model as to how to be a strong and independent woman. Once I woke up to this, especially after my mother passed on, I have been in contact with her regularly and I do my best to honor our connection with each other throughout the year.

The same could be said of a female mentor. There may be someone who has shepherded you through a difficult time in your life or in your career. That person was instrumental in how you are doing in the world right now. She may be older and in need of support herself at this time. Are you willing to participate in her future as she has participated in yours? Think about it- the need may be greater for her because she does NOT have children.

In the United States we tend to be very insular and gravitate to the family unit. We lack the cohesiveness that other societies enjoy. Undo some of this. Give back to a woman (or man for that matter) who has given to you. Acknowledge them and show your appreciation. This is how you create community.

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When you are initially diagnosed with an illness that later becomes chronic it is not likely that you are thinking about how this may affect your social life. Naturally, you are focused on how to cope with the illness itself. As difficult as the illness can be, however, it can be just as difficult to see your social circle dwindle as your illness progresses.

Here are a few of the stages that people I know who have a chronic illness have experienced. I hope it helps to know you are not alone in this and you CAN have a social life AND a chronic illness.

Support

When you are initially diagnosed family, co-workers and friends are usually very supportive. They cover your workload, accompany you to doctor’s visits, help with household tasks and call frequently to see how you are. The practicalities of the illness act as a strong link between you and them.

Distancing

When an illness is prolonged, however, things begin to change. If you are no longer able to work your work colleagues are the first tier of your social circle that begins to go. This is a natural evolution and does not necessarily reflect badly upon your former workmates. They are moving on with their lives. You no longer have as much in common. Your experience is with the new world of your illness and not the old world of your career.

When the going gets tough

This is the true test of friendship. Be prepared for some friends to slowly disappear. Also be prepared for old friends who you have not seen regularly to come back into your life. Who sticks around, who leaves and who reappears is not always who you would expect it to be. Prepare to be surprised.

Social circle reinvention

There is no doubt that chronic illness limits your ability to be social but at some point in the illness you may have enough energy to want to start making new friends. Things will be different; what was important to you before will not be important now. When you are out of the work world you have the gift of having time to determine who and what makes you happy.

You may have a lot in common with others who have the same or similar illnesses. You may resume or take up hobbies that you used to be interested in. You may volunteer for a cause that you believe in. You can make new and solid friendships through being involved in activities you are committed to and enjoy.

And, hopefully, those tried and true old friends are still around to remind you of what you were and who you have become….

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