Taking the fall and getting back up: Doing the work to age well

bettyfriedanquote

Aging is an ongoing experience of limitation if you sit back and let it be.

I’m sitting here waiting for a friend to get out of surgery. She is in her early 70’s, a vibrant human being who appears and acts much younger. But age has come to visit. She tripped over some wires and broke her hip. She is well aware that this can lead to permanent disability and a shortened life span. She feels totally unprepared. It’s truly scary.

She has just come out of surgery and has been wheeled to her room. What’s on her mind? Her regret about not taking care of business and missed opportunities for fulfillment. Luckily she has a good doctor who has advised her that, with rehab, she is likely to make a full recovery. She considers this a wake-up call to address a number of things in her life.

How do you remain optimistic when you see the walls of life closing in on you? Frailty, memory issues and the loss of family members and friends amplify the perceived diminishment of self.

But you can be happy and fulfilled as you get older. Let us count the ways…

  1. Give other people the benefit of your wisdom. There is something to be said for living a long time. You have been through a lot in life and have had many experiences that you have learned from. Mentor a younger person who can benefit from your advice and guidance.
  2. Come to terms with your relationships to your friends and family. If you have a good relationship with everyone, great, no problem. But if you have struggled in some relationships, attempt to open up the lines of communication and make amends if necessary. Let go of whether they own up to their part in things. You have no control over other people’s thoughts and actions. Be glad that you showed up and owned up.
  3. See your friends and family members regularly even if you have to schedule time with them on your calendar. Go to family functions and put up with your brother’s noisy kids and your hard-of-hearing aunt. Remember they are not around forever and you may be the odd uncle in the corner someday yourself. Make special time for those who bring out the best in you. You know who they are.
  4. Stay active. Use it or lose it. Get out and be physical however you can. Dance, go to the gym, walk, row, do yoga. Exercise can be fun if you find an activity that actually excites you. See this as an extension of going out to play as a kid. You didn’t need anything to motivate you then, did you? If you have a physical disability seek out a class that is tailored to your needs.
  5. Consider moving closer to those who will be there for you in a pinch. This may or may not be your family members; living near or with good friends may be a better choice for some people. Be there to celebrate the good times and support each other in the bad times.
  6. Take up a new mentally stimulating activity, something that excites you but you’ve been putting off doing for awhile. Learn to tango. Learn a new language. Take up playing an instrument. These activities have been shown to be more effective in maintaining cognitive functioning in older adults than crossword puzzles, sudoku or online brain training.
  7. Most importantly, cultivate a positive attitude. Spend time at the beginning and the end of the day being grateful. Write down what you are grateful for. Email it to yourself so that you can look at it throughout the day. Consider starting a meditation practice. Develop your own affirmations at the end of your practice. Read something that inspires you.

Aging well is about preparation, acting in ways that make us happy and preserving this happiness as long as possible. There’s work for us to do. Let’s get to it.

Aging and cultivating a sense of place: 5 ways to increase your sense of belonging

petalumabarn

In many parts of the world people live and die within a radius of 5 miles. In others the name of the game is move after move as people change in their careers, interests and family commitments. As we age we often stop to assess many things, particularly how we feel about the place where we live. We may be more rooted to where we are or we may be yearning to reinvent ourselves somewhere else.

How do we know when we are in a place where we can thrive for the last third of our lives? It comes down to having a sense of place.

What is a sense of place?

People’s sense of place varies. We can describe a sense of place as being the underlying feeling of belonging and attachment we get when we are in a certain location. There is a sense of being valued and engaged. Factors that can contribute to our attachment to a place not only involve family and social relationships but also are related to culture, language, geography, climate, urban/suburban/rural setting, access to nature, the political persuasion of the populace, etc.

For instance, we may feel much different in a small rural village in India than we would in a large city in the US. How different cities or rural areas affect us can also vary widely with each individual. We live in a global village but culture and sensibility are extremely different from place to place.

I will use my own experiences as an example. I feel most at home in Sonoma county just north of San Francisco. I lived for many years in SF but, as I’ve gotten older, the city no longer fulfills the need I have for warmer weather, quiet and exposure to nature. When I was in the city I lived in a neighborhood where most people knew me- in the grocery store, the cafes, the restaurants, the night spots. I felt a sense of community there. As I aged my needs changed and I relocated to a place I felt comfortable in and had visited often.

The question remains: Do I have a sense of place now? Yes and no. It takes time to develop connections and to feel that you are part of a network. I’m still working on it. It’s not as easy now as it was when I was younger.

Why might this be?

In a general sense, as people age it becomes harder to make new friends. Friendships require cultivation. We become more set in our ways. We also have less opportunities for social activities outside of the family that bind people to one another such as school and work. We go out less to social functions. Our opportunities to create community become more limited.

How can we maintain or restore our sense of place?

We all change and evolve. This takes work but is more than worth it. I like to look to others I know who are actively striving to create a meaningful life in a place that they have an affinity for. Here are 5 ways that people I know and respect are creating their place in the world as they age:

1.) Rethink your notion of work. A friend of mine is staying put in his home and is retiring. He loves his home and the area in which he lives. He is reinventing himself in a new career that he had pursued in the past but didn’t have the time or energy to pursue while he was working. This will demand that he get out of his comfort zone and network with like-minded people.

2.) Renew old friendships. This same friend has also been instrumental in organizing an online social network of a group of his former co-workers who have not seen each other in 20 years. This has led to a reunion and will bring people from all over the country together again but, even more importantly, is already leading to renewed friendships among the people who remain in the same area.

3.) Be open to putting yourself to work in another part of the world. I have a friend who is an example of someone who has not let his age dictate his social or work sphere. He continues to take on new challenges and meet new people. He travels widely and recently spent time teaching in India.

4.) Be willing to uproot yourself to pursue an adventure. Another friend has sold everything and is about to travel in the US and Mexico in an RV with her husband and mother. She expects to visit her friends, make new ones and settle somewhere that speaks to her.

5.) Find satisfaction in doing something well in a place where you’ve always been. My Godmother provides a good example of this. She is now 86 and has lived and worked all her adult life as a clerk in a medical setting and as a telephone operator in a boys’ home. She finds a lot of satisfaction working in these jobs because her involvement with the patients and residents goes way beyond her job description. She looks forward to working and the clients look forward to seeing her every day.

Essentially, what I have learned from these and other friends, is that we can open ourselves to change, adventure and community wherever we choose to land. A sense of place can be where you are right now or where you end up going. It’s a journey that never ends until you do…